The Dilemma of living!
My Soul is Tired, yet I am not ALLOWED to end! the Dilemma
Today, in fact, last night was bad.
Last night when my 23rd teardrop fell on the matt on the floor, my heart felt lighter, once again. It is always like that. People ask me, especially my mom asks me: How do you do it? How on earth cam someone cry for someone like that? after an hour or so she knocks on my door to check and then smile and say :
“I understand, do you have any idea how strong you need to be to cry like that? I think you are blessed!” she nods her head and leaves. I can see the sorrow in her head and how she explains the absurdity to herself while pacifying me!
The sadness balls along and as soon as the world sleeps or even decides to sleep, the sadness decides to knock on my door.
Normally it is always at 9 or 9 freaking 30.
I ignore, I turn the TV on or I turn pages and indulge in another romance. I flip through the faces and sometimes I call another dire soul and share a smile or two.
Last night it crept up. The sadness decided to come from all angles. The knocking was strong. It was mind-numbing. I was worried that it might rattle my insanity once more.
SO I said: “Yes please do come.
How do you want me tonight?”
Normally: I gladly open. before I opened it because it felt good. I cried all night long.
It felt like a part of me is dissimilating.
A part of me is dissolving.
A part of me needs to pour out so that there is blank space.
But tonight I felt different.
But tonight I felt alive and yet another new knocking altogether!
It was like Knock, Knock, and knocking on heaven’s door like GNR days.
But it was my door. The door to my vices!
Everything seems to go ok.
I am ok, I am happy.
After 4 years someone wrote a decent email that shows me that I am also human.
My work is alright, friends are there, family too.
BUT there is a BUT.
I feel tired, my soul is tired.
I always tell that after trauma and a bad long breakup your soul becomes tired.
The SOUL needs rest.
The SOUL needs rest and a lot of it.
I want to rest. Sometimes I want to just go away somewhere and just be.
NO talks. NO laughter.
NO whispers.
NO happiness.
NO sorrow……….. just a blank space. I want to REST.
I want to retire.
Today, in fact, last night was such a night.
no one ever tells you, that when a heart breaks when someone trashes you a part of you die, it dies forever. so does the innocence and the beliefs.
no one ever tells you, that how easy it is for people to isolate, ignore, and just be!
no one ever tells you, that how easy it is for people to move and think of you and a time pass or just a venting ground!
no one ever tells you, that two souls NEVER balances.
it is always tilted, it is always leaning on one side.
The giver gives, the gives takes the gives dies a thousand deaths and then rebirth to die again.
Be strong!
Stand firm!
Fight!
Move on!
Everything is alright.
I get it! people depend on you.
People care.
I am THAT PEOPLE. I care.
I freaking CARE. sometimes I smile and think who on earth do I FREAKING care?
Who told me to CARE?
why is there always a group that cares?
why is there always a group who gives and the other takes?
why is there always a group who picks up the wrapper and put it in the trash?
while the other even dumps the air with their profanity and filth?
why is there always a group that paints the world with reds, pinks and purples?
why is there always a group of people who will stand up and protect?
guess this is how it is!
how the world keeps its gravity in check so there is always a reason to go on. even if the would feel freaking tired!
But sometimes the soul feels tired. you lose the will to live.
you lose the will to go on. you lose the will to even want to do.
Sad part is WE cannot STOP
Sad part is WE cannot DECIDE
Sad part is WE are not even allowed to END.
fast-forwarding a few hours.
A piece of news came in: (Hypothetically)
I WROTE SOMETHING, that affected quite a few thousand people.
I DID SOMETHING, that made a few more thousands smile,
I MADE SOMETHING, that will eventually save a hundred more,
I am smiling that a simple human can affect a thousand more
While another can kill a thousand more.
Just BE!
yes! just be.
sometimes we feel down.
It is still OK. just BE.
My good friend says:
QUITTING IS NOT AN OPTION
I tell HIM: MY beautiful human:
YOU HAVE LIMITS TOO!
I guess there's no other option but to prolong and see how life carries us forward,
how much more this heart can endure, how much love it can give, and how little
love it can sustain on living!
so tonight, dear sadness please knock when I sleep
please knock when I am with another soul
please knock when I want you to knock maybe?
