Single and Repulsive
When you have no clue how to handle someone similar
I always thought that “you are what you are”, “if you do good, good will come to you”, “if you care, you will eventually find someone who cares.”
But it is not always true.
When I faced an amazing break up ( amazing cause it broke me into a trillion pieces and yes it was amazing, it did not leave a single piece recognizable). Yes, so when I faced an amazing break up deep inside me I thought you need to bounce back and I was determined not to let my grief get the best me.
Not letting the grief change any portion of me.
I wanted to hold onto myself as I was before. Fun, loving, caring, and open!
But it is not always true, the theory is flawed.
When you are with a person for long and stay dedicated, your life, thinking, expectation and boundaries shape along with that person. And if you are exclusive, boyfriend, girlfriend type, or the worse ( one) yes 1 man/ 1 woman type then the other person and their surroundings become your second nature. And if its a marriage and the marriage goes on exclusive mode then you are doomed. Because then your conscious and subconscious aligns and you become keen on the other.
You lose track of any other existence.
You forget how to treat others who are not necessarily any part of you, but who are equally valuable.
I come from a predominantly religious, conservative, constricted background. Where marriage defines the ultimate end and beginning. Whenever a girl wants it to explore, either it is life, study, job or even about sex it is always mentioned:
“Try it with your partner, he will be there, try, explore, implore and expand after marriage”.
or Better
“ Lok kya Kahega/ Kahegi?” =
“ Manush e ki Boble?”=
“ What will the people say?” + the quotes go on!
To be honest who the hell cares what will others say? cause they are not living your life, not they are spending for your comfort. But we were taught to play by the rules, behave by the surroundings, and be in the lines.
Surprisingly: even after you end up marrying someone you like, you are still staying under the massive blockage where you check before you breathe, you think before you act and you try to be nice.
Be nice!
Ah the fantasy of being
nice/ good/ calm/ composed/ in line/
patient
and BEST= being compromising.
These are perfectly good adjectives but to a girl sometimes these come as a punishment. We are taught to be nice, no matter what?
If you spill the tea (in literals sense) what will others say?
If you wear a short skirt or even a dark shade of lipstick what will the aunty next door say?
If you pray and not keep the dupatta or head scarf for long and take it off before entering a certain venue people will judge and say: “ oh no”
If you are married and cook 16 dishes, and the 17 isn't properly done, what will the guests say: “ Chi!! you didn't even cook the 17th item?”
If you want sex and are not happy with the outcome can you even say “ I am not happy?”
what will your partner think?
what will society think?
where is your decency?
what will you OBGYN think if you ask questions about taking a child, not taking a child, or anything about sexual issues?
from an early age, we are lessons in being GOOD/ DECENT.
Do not get me wrong, I grew up with a lot of love and in a very happy, liberal household. But these mindsets comes with the territory. My friends come from India, Pakistan, Korea, China, Nepal, Uzbekistan, Japan, HongKong, Thailand, and the list goes on. But whoever it is a desi or a brown background the outcries are similar.
It takes an immense amount of healing, counseling, and a cultural barrier block to let go of the mindset that we grow with. It takes a break up from self to accept our needs or even to acknowledge.
On top, if you are under Depression or had a Narcissist to deal with then this healing takes more than it took you to even walk.
I have seen girls, CEO of major companies, Entrepreneurs, Really successful mothers, Teachers, Publicists all messed up to their core when it comes to breaking free. Some open up, have their own selves sorted but again fall into a new land of sorrow and swim into a new island of self-loathing and rejection.
My therapist once said: “ FREEDOM. you are free now but you do not know what to do with this freedom!!” “ yes, it is true. Girls who survive a test and start living their lives alone, free do not really know how to channel their freedom or to understand, yet value it.”
“ No one teaches how to use it, no one teaches how to channel the energy and accept freedom as is.”
“ I felt forever like a trapped bird in an open cage”
“ I could see the sky, but I forgot how to fly”
“ I could taste the sweetness of the scent of the grass, the dewdrops trickling from the green leaves, the shades of red, purple and yellow and my favorite peace across the milky sky, but I forgot how to open my arms and enjoy”
Coming back to my writing’s topic:
Single and Repulsive.
This is the new phase in learning to heal.
I get repulsed, I get consisted, I get suffocated and have no idea how to handle care or attention. For no apparent reason, I start to ask my ability to give and take, for no apparent reason I ask my ability to be normal or even liked. Forget about love.
it is not restricted to a boy or a man or a girl. Gender has nothing to play here
it is not restricted to a loving relation…….
it is not restricted to any give or takes, rather with the overall acceptance that you can be valuable, you can be important and needed
so to anyone out there, if you are healing and reading this
please open your heart
be ready to accept and give back if anyone knocks
the world is still living, sustaining, there are still beautiful souls around you who will value you as you are and accept you as you are
if you mess up, so be it!
you are healing,
it is ok to not punish yourself and just be,
living alone, single, happy, is fine!
having someone love you as a friend is fine….
having someone taking care of you is fine too….
I have killed my will far too many times
I have apologized far too many times
I will apologize for a hundred times more if my heart wants
But I have decided to be feel bad anymore or least try not to
If you are healing, be gentle with you. It takes many tries to paint a picture and it will take far more tries to wipe it clean and restart from a white background.
learn slow, but do learn to handle your emotions, cause no one else will
learn slow, but do learn to be happy by yourself and not except anything from anyone, cause no one really understands your position
learn slow, but do learn to give more and take less, cause life is too short to hold back
Happy living!
